Who AM I??

Disclaimer: This will be a serious post, that has nothing to do with my children. Brace yourself.

Over the past few weeks, I've been struggling. You wouldn't have known it, and I wouldn't have told you, even if you had asked... And some of you have. The root of my struggle, surprisingly is not Carl leaving for Iraq, (although that has prompted my inward examination), but the realization that I AM an adult. I should have known this.... I have three children, car payments, bills, buy my own groceries, make my own schedule, and carry all the burdens associated with the aforementioned facts. But as I swiftly approach 30, I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and thinking, "Who is this older, fatter, unattractive version of who I used to be??" Not only that, but I find myself fussing at the kids over actions beyond their control, and I think, "Who is this woman fussing at my kids? Who gave her the right?? They're just kids." It's becoming more and more evident in my daily life, that I don't like the adult that I find myself becoming. I am overwhelmed, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. So, Carl and I have discussed it, and I'm doing what I do best. I'm organizing, starting with the basics: my life.

A. My body: I will no longer feed my emotions, and carry excess baggage in the form of pounds. I don't believe I was given this body to treat it like a landfill. I'm ashamed that I've done so. Because Carl is gone, and I feel like I would be most successful with regular accountability, I will be using my blog as such. I think I will be much more successful if I have to record my journey for someone else to read. I promise, that I will be honest and transparent, otherwise this will fail. Readers, please keep me encouraged, and hold me accountable. I will be posting my goals soon.

B. My spirit: It's so easy to get down on myself. I know that all things are possible, but I want all things to be possible right now with as little effort as possible, and that isn't working for me or my family. I'm going to follow a set Christian path of self examination, although I haven't found it yet, and I'm completely open to suggestion if you have used one personally. I am guilty of becoming complacent and disgruntled, and I refuse to do that anymore.

C. My Emotional Well Being: This area is probably going to be the easiest for me- or at least it appears that way now. I have too many irons in the fire. Between the 60-75 hours a week I put into work, the 25-30 hours a week I put into school (obviously my hours overlap), my kids, my home, staying involved in my community (which has been regrettably poor), there is barely enough sleep or shower time left, let alone time for me. With Carl here, the burden was heavy but manageable. Now, I have come to the realization that I just cannot do everything I have committed myself to doing. While I feel like this is a huge failure on my part, after talking with Carl, I am going to forfeit my daycare license until he comes home, for sure, and maybe permanently. I have enough kids- I don't want to raise everyone else's kids too.

So that's my spiel. I hope that those of you reading this can be open and honest with me, and keep me encouraged, yet accountable, because I need it!

And as a little treat, for being so patient and making it through the text, this is going to be my "before" picture:

It's okay to laugh at the fatty pictured above. She won't exist for too long. I hope to be posting a great "After" picture in about six months.


trishiekoh said...

Sounds like you are going through a hard time..but you sound so positive and inspiring. It can't be hard being you at the moment, having to juggle studies and motherly duties and have Carl away...but i have faith in you. Take care and best of luck.

Gram said...

I love you, and I know you will succeed in your efforts. I'm so proud of you!!! Hugs, kisses, (yes, kisses), and lots of prayers your way :)


Mels said...

I'm here for you, and I know you can do it :)

Carl said...

I love you beautiful. Thank you. You know I'll be here for you all the way. You are my heart.

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Here you'll find the everyday musings of life, as I see them, which is probably not the same as you see them... Mother, baker, student, wife and woman, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in conflict. Enjoy!
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