My Son, My Teacher

When I get impatient, I fuss... a lot. Our mornings can be pretty crazy and chaotic around here. Usually we start off okay, but if anything puts us behind schedule, I get so stressed out. I hate to be late anywhere. So generally if we are running late, you'll hear me fussing at the kids:

"Grace! Get your brush and get over here so I can fix your hair! Riley, eat faster and get some socks on! Asher, sit down and quit messing with stuff until I get your clothes on! Stop! Don't! Hush! Come On!"

It's not pretty. It's very fussy.

Riley is also very interested in planting seeds right now (Bear with me, this will all make sense very soon). He loves planting seeds, watering them, and waiting for them to grow so that he can see them pop up out of the soil. I'm very glad he's interested in seeds because I have a feeling the next one in line will be asking to take care of hamsters or other small animals. Riley asked me to plant some seeds left over from his fruit the other day (orange, apple, and plum). He saved them in a ziplock and everything. I was sort of sad to tell him that we aren't allowed to plant fruit trees, or gardens in general without permits.

Anyway, the other morning I was going about my general fuss. "Why don't you have socks on?? Are you kidding me right now? You've only had like 2 bites of your breakfast Grace!" Riley stops me mid-sentence, and says, "Mom, I planted my plum seed. I know we're not supposed to, but I just wanted to see if it would grow real quick. I put it in the ground, and gave it some water, but it wasn't growing yet, and I really wanted it to grow. Then I got really close to the ground, and I yelled at my plum seed, but it still wouldn't grow. Yelling at a seed doesn't make it grow."

When did my six year old become smarter than me? Point well taken, Riley. Yelling doesn't make my seeds grow either.

I'm not happy, and that makes me happy

So I just had a major epiphany... I know. Keep your sarcasm to yourself, because this is probably pretty standard issue to many.

This Saturday (the day after tomorrow) my brother is getting married. My brother, the one person in my life who has truly been an example of unconditional love throughout my life, is getting married. I can't go. The reasons are hefty and that's not what this is about, but I'm devastated that I can't go.

So as I sit here, surfing my endless sites of wonder: postsecret, craigslist, ebay, facebook, I wallow in my self-pity. My internal monologue goes a little something like this:
It's not fair that I can't go to his wedding. This is the biggest day of his life this far, and I know that I've made the choice to live this far away, but it really just doesn't feel fair. Sometimes I put myself in a situation that makes me suffer too much, sacrifice too much. I'm tired of sacrificing. My whole life, starting before I was born has been a sacrifice, and I'm tired of it.....

You get the picture right? It just gets heavier and uglier from there. Then finally after about five minutes of this negative conversation with myself, I say, I AM JUST NOT HAPPY.

Okay, so rewind a few hours, and I'm working out at the gym. I'm that crazy lady on the elliptical reading her bible while working out. Don't judge me. God is preparing my heart for an epiphany, through my elliptical. I can draw parallels to the elliptical and circular motion, etc, but I'll spare you.

Anyway, I'm reading the book of John, from the beginning. I generally avoid John. Without being sacrilegious, I kind of think John is trite, over quoted and overdone. I like to come to my own conclusions. But today, I was compelled to spend some time in John. In John, Jesus talks a lot about eternal life, and having our life in the afterlife, through his body and flesh (and probably sounded a lot like a cannibal to those who didn't get what he was saying).

Okay, so fast forward back to me, and my internal monologue. I began to question God (I'm not proud of it, and know better, but sometimes I do it anyway. Today I'm glad I did):
I have prayed and prayed about this situation. I don't feel any better, and you haven't created a way for me to go. I don't understand why you won't let me find comfort, yet I can't go either. And that's when it became clear to me.

My entire life I have been searching for happiness. Life is about being happy isn't it? NO. Life is NOT about being happy, or finding happiness. Life is about glorifying God. My life isn't even about me. It's about how many times I point to him. Period. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that sometimes we will have and sometimes we won't. But it's not what life is about, and shouldn't be my life's pursuit.

And in that revelation, God provided comfort. When will I learn to be patient and wait for it? That's another blog.

A little overdue!

So I know it's been forever.. I constantly think, "oooh, I should blog this!" but then totally fail on the follow through. And today, o crazy child antics will be shared, but rather just a "me" update.

On October 1, our whole family switched to a gluten-free diet to benefit Riley. He doesn't have Celiac's or anything like that, but there is some theory behind gluten-intolerance affecting behavior. At first, I secretly wished it would fail. Being the baker that I am, flour and other gluten products are my life! Not to mention, I'm from Texas and we learn to fry right around the time we learn to walk... I was hard-pressed to think of a meal for my family that didn't include some sort of gluten product- in just about every portion! Now I sit lazily on my couch before you, posting that WE ARE SUCCEEDING (and even better) It's not that bad. We eat so much more fresh fruit and veggies, and I pack Riley's lunch everyday, plus send him some special snacks for kids birthday parties, etc. Our next step is to cut out any red dye number 40 starting November 1. That shouldn't be hard, because other than Jello, which comes in so many other colors that red won't be missed, I can't think of a single thing we eat that's colored anymore. So, huge success there.

On the weight loss front, I have been losing, very slowly- 15 pounds in 3 months is in no way motivational. It's just downright frustrating. In a moment of weakness at the end of September (maybe on my birthday when I realized that 27 years of my life are gone-- and THIS, this life, this body, THIS-- is all I have to show for it) I went to the doctor for some help: a miracle drug- straight crack, whatever. Luckily my doctor wasn't feeling my frustration. He insisted that I see a nutritionist and physiologist before I can even think about a drug.
On Thursday I kept my appointments, thinking, "I'm eating the right ways, exercising regularly... My body is just destined to look like this." But the nutritionist totally changed my mind. He took my numbers based on this magic scale, and I'm carrying around 75 pounds of non-muscle weight! HOLY CRAP RIGHT?!! He says 35 of that needs to go. I also had my workouts tweaked. Weight lifting was removed completely, and now I'm only doing cardio for 1 hour a day. Yesterday I did 45 minutes of cardio, but today I surprised even myself and was able to work out for an hour and a half.

But better than any of that, I've realized my problem. I've always seen the workout as something I have to do. Now I know that it's not what I should do, but rather who I should be. I should be the woman who is as dedicated and faithful to herself and her body as she is her marriage. So, with that, a paradigm shift, and a whole new outlook :o). I weigh in again on the Thursday after next. We'll see how it goes!
Here you'll find the everyday musings of life, as I see them, which is probably not the same as you see them... Mother, baker, student, wife and woman, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in conflict. Enjoy!
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