Wait for it...

I am waiting. Waiting to cry; waiting to rejoice. Waiting to go; waiting to be home. Lately I feel like I'm never where I want to be, physically, spiritually, emotionally. That nagging feeling that I should be getting groceries when I'm walking with the kids, or that I should be at home doing laundry when I'm with a friend. I feel impatient to grow and understand situations, when I clearly am not ready for answers or understanding of such magnitude.

Carl leaves for a TDY (temporary duty) trip on Monday, but he'll be back by Friday. I really dislike a lot of things about these monthly one week TDY that he's been tasked with. First, I have to be a "single mom" for a week. That stinks. Then I have to be alone for a week. I'm not an introvert, so that's actually a sacrifice for me. And there's all of the random cleaning and upkeep that he helps me with over the course of a week, which I have to do. So on the Sunday before he leaves, I am embarrassed to say I start to prepare myself for a cruddy week of "waiting for Dad."

I also have been waiting for my body to heal from this miscarriage, and to mentally heal from it too. I am okay with the whole process. It's odd to watch myself experience the stages of grief, and know my clinical state. For the most part, I'm good. But I'm not patient in the process. I'm ready. I'm ready to try again. I'm ready to carry another child, to feel the kicks, even to go through labor. I am ready. But God isn't. And so because I know that his plan is greater than mine. I will wait.

I was driving to the chapel this morning, and heard this song on the radio. You may have heard it by John Waller, from the movie "Fireproof." I have gotten so used to grumbling over how I hate to wait, and how ridiculous it is that things don't happen in an American minute. This song gave me an idea. For each day that Carl is gone, I will deliberately find ways to "wait correctly." While I'm waiting, I will praise, and serve, and love. While I'm waiting.


Mels said...

Thinking about you...

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Here you'll find the everyday musings of life, as I see them, which is probably not the same as you see them... Mother, baker, student, wife and woman, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in conflict. Enjoy!
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