The Division

I know I've been on hiatus, but I'm back. I'm not going to hold myself to any sort of frequency because I think it's obvious how bad I am about that... This is what's been going on in my life lately:

I learned recently (through a great Bible study and awesome facilitator) that the best way to tell a story is to leave out the details and focus on the meat of the story, then to make sure that I do not play any significant role in the heroic characterization that is applied. I'm going to try my best to sort of follow that model now.

I've been sick. Mentally, physically, spiritually. You name it, and I've been unhappy with my status regarding that portion of my life. Recently, I've been having some medical issues, and having tests done. It's causing me to miss fellowship opportunities (which is oddly a big part of my concern, because it's something I look forward to every week to keep me grounded spiritually).

So along with these medical tests, has come my mental and spiritual discontentedness. Without my weekly/biweekly meetings, I feel like I'm floating, and I have an anchor, but the rope is slowly coming untied as I drift further and further away. I find my words short, and my temper flaring at every opportunity, even though I've given God the opportunity to heal that in me in the past, and I feel like He came through for me. Mentally, I've been struggling the worst. I question God so much. "Why would you let me be sick? You know I have 3 children. How is this going to affect them? How is this going to affect my marriage? I don't understand what You want me to learn. It's absolutely cruel to let me face something like this, and suffer when You have the power to heal me." I know, I can be a completely defiant, angry child, can't I?

So in my weakest moment (and it was very ugly, take my word for it), I feel like the answer came to me, and this may be completely confusing, but I'm going to attempt to explain this the best that I can. God reminded me that "I" am not sick, but my "body" is sick. What is ailing me has nothing to do with "me" as in, who I am, in the world and in God's kingdom, but is completely restricted to my physical being, and to be perfectly honest, no illness can infiltrate me, or hurt me, because "I" am God's, not my body, no matter how much we are convinced to worship our bodies in this world.

It's a lesson I think I've been struggling with forever, even if I didn't realize it. My weight loss has gone way too slow (15 pounds in 3 months is not what I'm looking for, so I get upset, etc.). I also felt like God was telling me that I don't need to rely on fellowship to be close to him. I've sort of fallen back into this rut of intellectualizing my spirituality, and I think others who have been studying much longer than me must have more valid opinions. But God reminded me that my conversation with him, on an individual level will always be way more helpful, accurate and moving than any opinion I hear, or message that I internalize. I'm not belittling the purpose of fellowship or saying that God doesn't speak to us through others, because I certainly believe He does. My stance is more that individual relationships with God have to be more important than fellowship with others, or we won't grow, and we'll have to be drawn to our knees (again? again...) in order to find Him again.


Carly said...

this is an excellent post in so many ways... it would take too long to comment on everything, but i totally understand the big lesson you learned about your soul/self being separate from your physical struggles. i hope you start feeling more content and vibrant with the Lord soon!

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Here you'll find the everyday musings of life, as I see them, which is probably not the same as you see them... Mother, baker, student, wife and woman, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in conflict. Enjoy!
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