I'm not happy, and that makes me happy

So I just had a major epiphany... I know. Keep your sarcasm to yourself, because this is probably pretty standard issue to many.

This Saturday (the day after tomorrow) my brother is getting married. My brother, the one person in my life who has truly been an example of unconditional love throughout my life, is getting married. I can't go. The reasons are hefty and that's not what this is about, but I'm devastated that I can't go.

So as I sit here, surfing my endless sites of wonder: postsecret, craigslist, ebay, facebook, I wallow in my self-pity. My internal monologue goes a little something like this:
It's not fair that I can't go to his wedding. This is the biggest day of his life this far, and I know that I've made the choice to live this far away, but it really just doesn't feel fair. Sometimes I put myself in a situation that makes me suffer too much, sacrifice too much. I'm tired of sacrificing. My whole life, starting before I was born has been a sacrifice, and I'm tired of it.....

You get the picture right? It just gets heavier and uglier from there. Then finally after about five minutes of this negative conversation with myself, I say, I AM JUST NOT HAPPY.

Okay, so rewind a few hours, and I'm working out at the gym. I'm that crazy lady on the elliptical reading her bible while working out. Don't judge me. God is preparing my heart for an epiphany, through my elliptical. I can draw parallels to the elliptical and circular motion, etc, but I'll spare you.

Anyway, I'm reading the book of John, from the beginning. I generally avoid John. Without being sacrilegious, I kind of think John is trite, over quoted and overdone. I like to come to my own conclusions. But today, I was compelled to spend some time in John. In John, Jesus talks a lot about eternal life, and having our life in the afterlife, through his body and flesh (and probably sounded a lot like a cannibal to those who didn't get what he was saying).

Okay, so fast forward back to me, and my internal monologue. I began to question God (I'm not proud of it, and know better, but sometimes I do it anyway. Today I'm glad I did):
I have prayed and prayed about this situation. I don't feel any better, and you haven't created a way for me to go. I don't understand why you won't let me find comfort, yet I can't go either. And that's when it became clear to me.

My entire life I have been searching for happiness. Life is about being happy isn't it? NO. Life is NOT about being happy, or finding happiness. Life is about glorifying God. My life isn't even about me. It's about how many times I point to him. Period. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that sometimes we will have and sometimes we won't. But it's not what life is about, and shouldn't be my life's pursuit.

And in that revelation, God provided comfort. When will I learn to be patient and wait for it? That's another blog.


Kris said...

Is there a way that they can video tape it and send a live feed to your computer or something? Well, I mean, that CAN be done, it's just a matter of are they able to set something like that up. Should have brought that up like 2 weeks ago.

And now I'm going to sound like a horrible bitch and ruin your day. Yes, life is about glorifying God. I think there's a lot of happiness to be found for the people who are able to find peace that way. I'm not that kind of person (meaning I'm cynical, stubborn and disillusioned), so to me, it sounds like you're trying to create a reason not to feel miserable. I think to say that life isn't about being happy is really punishing yourself. It's like saying, God doesn't want you to be happy (which is absurd, because He does). Unless glorifying God IS what makes you happy. And then everything fits together.
And, you know.... I'm a firm believer in that sometimes, God says no. For whatever reason. I'm also a firm believer than man has a lot of control over what happens, and that God kind of takes a back seat. I don't think He's uninvolved, certainly, but I also think that man's choices develop the world around him (basically, that while God may provide opportunities, it's up to man to act on them). I don't mean that your choice to take care of your child is what is now causing you to miss Cory's wedding, but it is a direct effect of that. To say that God planted that child inside you, then gave him ADD, then had the symptoms manifest right at this time, then made it so you'd have to shell out for doctor's appointments, so that at this exact moment, you wouldn't be able to attend that wedding...just so you could learn this lesson. I think that's reading a bit too much into things.

I may be WAY out of line here, and I apologize if I am. It's also likely I'm not making any sense at all anyway.

Mels said...

Hang in there Lynds, I'm rooting for you :)

lyndseywiley said...

You're not out of line at all. And I totally agree that God wants us to find joy in our life here on Earth, and be happy. I more feel like being happy is a side effect, and while it's nice to be happy in your situation, finding happiness is not why we're here- not our main goal. And I think that SO much more comes from suffering (WHOA, major connections to my weekly bible study right now that I can't even type fast enough) than from being content. While I do believe that God orchestrates every event in our life to provide the opportunity for us to glorify Him, I know that many of my life choices are not what He would have chosen for me. So did he plant Riley, give him ADD, etc., all so I would come to this conclusion? I can't say yes to that, because I think much of my life is "Plan B" compared to what God would have had for me. But did He work it out for me? Absolutely :o). I love you Kristin. You challenge me to clarify and dissect my thoughts. And you have no idea how much I need that a lot of times!

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Here you'll find the everyday musings of life, as I see them, which is probably not the same as you see them... Mother, baker, student, wife and woman, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in conflict. Enjoy!
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