Mercy

A quick update, just so we're on the same page, you and I: We found out that I was pregnant on April 20, via home pregnancy test. I was quick to share the news with everyone, because, well, I was just so DARN excited. We are READY for number 4! Two weeks later, I started to miscarry. After a trip to the emergency room, sonograms, blood tests every two days, more sonograms, buckets of tears, many sleepless hours, and a hard conversation with my kids, today we found out that this IS an actual miscarriage. There was some doubt for a while, since my hormone levels continued to rise despite the miscarriage. Usually those levels decrease as the body rids itself of all baby related tissue. So that's the deal. Short and sweet. There will be no Christmas baby for our family.

But that's only the smallest part of what this post is about. As I sat in the waiting room of the ER with one of the most amazing women I know, I noticed this tiny little girl. She was maybe 4 months old. Her little arms were splinted, and she wore an oxygen tube across her nose. It was obvious that she suffered from birth defects as her mom (maybe 20 years old) pulled a syringe full of formula out to feed her through a tube. In that moment I realized that as horrible and painful as a miscarriage feels now, a lifetime of watching my child suffer from birth defects is so much worse. According to this site (and numerous other sources that I've found in the last few weeks, while attempting to comfort myself with knowledge), anywhere for 2/3 to 3/4 of miscarriages occur because the baby just isn't forming the way it should be. And although I deserve every bit of pain and anguish watching my child suffer would bring, God granted me mercy. I know that's a weird way of looking at it, but I know that's what I was supposed to take from all of this.

You may also know that I recently started attending the chapel on base instead of going to Creekside. The move has been great in many ways, but also very difficult. Creekside is full of AMAZING people who became my family when Carl was deployed. These people opened up their homes, lives and groups to me and my children, and I honestly LOVE them. So when I started to feel God's pull for us to attend service at the chapel, I was less than thrilled. I went through quite a few weeks seeking counsel from my PWOC ladies, and toying with the challenge. In the end, I decided that whatever God had for me to do at the chapel was obviously more important than my comfort level, and happiness with attending Creekside. So we began attending service at the chapel, and I prayed and waited for God to reveal the work he had for me.

How arrogant was I to think that God moved us because I was useful to the chapel community? Through this whole miscarriage process, I realize now more than ever that, in spite of my own ideas for what I thought God had in His plan for me, He had something totally different in mind. God didn't have any "work" for me. He brought me into this body of people to care for me, right now, when I've needed it most.

And I know, without a doubt, that my Creekside friends would have prayed, and loved me, and helped me as much as they could, but in logistics alone, I would have never been as cared for as I am now. They are amazing people, and I hope that God has "work" for me there again someday because I miss Creekside like crazy, but for now, I'm in God's will, and that has turned out to be a good thing. And as another amazing woman reminded me the other day, watching God's plan unfold when you listen makes it that much easier to obey the next time he calls.

A friend once told me that in her life, she can label her difficult moments in life with "Even If" questions, and I think that true for everyone. No matter what happens, we hope to be able to choose to fall back in line with a positive answer to those questions. For me, a couple of "Even If's:" Even if God's request makes me temporarily unhappy, do I still believe that what he has in store for me is better than what I have now? Even if I don't get to have the baby that I thought I would, will I still say that He is good to me? After answering no to questions like this more than I'd like to admit, I'm glad to say these are a couple to which I can finally answer yes.

And like always, my one little bit of media, You Hands, by JJ Heller. LYRICS