Greener Grass

My Sweet Riley,

Today was a tough day for you. You learned a very difficult lesson, and I wish it was a lesson you would never have had to learn. Children can be so cruel, and your little life has not been easy. Sometimes I forget that you've only been on this earth six little years because you are such a wise, wise little boy.

You spent this morning playing with your friend down the road, then came back early together, and played with him at home. After lunch, you both went back outside to play, and another friend joined you. Your friend decided he only wanted to play with the other friend, and not you. Riley, you walked your little self in the door, and immediately began to sob. Oh honey, you were devastated. You just couldn't understand why your friend would betray you, or why you weren't chosen. You immediately began to question everything about yourself, and doubt your worth, or your ability to contribute to the friendship. You sobbed that your friend didn't like you, or want to play with you anymore because you're a stupid kid, and you can't run fast, and you can't ride your bike. You said you don't give him enough stuff, and you're not nice enough.

Oh Riley, I wanted so badly to take away your pain, and ban that boy from our house forever. But I know the truth. I know your friend likes you. I know that he's your best friend right now, and I know that you have a heart of service, kindness, and loyalty, so this cut you so deeply. But your friend make a classic mistake, my love. He failed to see the amazing connection that he has with you because another friend caught his attention. Right now, Riley, it's toys and bikes, but someday it will be so much more. And there will be times that you find you will be in your friends shoes, and you'll want to leave behind what is comfortable for something shiny and new.

I hope you remember, sweet boy, how it felt to walk all the way home with such a heavy heart. I hope that you carry that memory, and that you always consider it before you hurt someone else. As I held you, and wiped away your tears, I explained to you all of your wonderful qualities, and let you know what an amazing little boy I think you are. I also prayed that you would be comforted by my love, and that your friend would understand just how badly he hurt you.

The chances are, Riley, he will knock on our door early in the morning, and will want you to play with him. I know you, my kind and loving child. You will instantly forgive his indiscretion in exchange for his friendship. I am so proud of you, my little love. I know you have so much to offer the world, and I know it's times like these that mold you into the amazing man you are destined to be. I love you, Riley.

Love,
Mommy

Mental Note: Feather Blankets and Sleepovers DON'T Mix

Riley had a friend sleep over last night. The night was rough, because they were both really tired and cranky, but neither wanted to be the first to fall asleep. SO, I separated them, and out they went. Good times- Riley likes to sleep TOUCHING me... I hope his future wife is "physical touch" in terms of love language... I am NOT. I'm a "Gifts and Acts of Service," so the TOUCHING is not so appealing to me, but I digress.

Before Riley came into my bed last night, he decided he wanted to snuggle with the cute little crib sized feather comforter that my aunt gave me a couple of years ago. No problem... Go watch cartoons in your room, snuggle and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE fall asleep! The feather blanket became a distant memory over the course of the night, and apparently ended up UNDER The bed (Riley's bed has rollers on it). When I asked the boys to clean the room this morning- Riley comes running upstairs in a huge cloud of white snow, with a soft white flowing cape. "Mom!!! Look what happened!!!" The bed rolled on top of the blanket, and the kids pulled too hard (instead of asking for help, right?) and ripped, spewing white down feathers EVERYWHERE... And since he brought it upstairs to show me, I now have a snowy down covered floor- everywhere.

The upside: Saturday is floor cleaning day, and the feathers stick to any sort of grime, so at least I know where to focus my cleaning the most...

I'm not convinced that I'm going to miss this someday....

FRIDAY MEANS HAPPY FIVES!

And I have OH SO MUCH to be thankful for these days!

1. I'm going to group all of the transformation and searching I've been doing into one of my happy fives this week... I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity and support to change my life!

2. This week, we had TWO, count 'em 2!! days that didn't make triple digits! WOOHOO!

3. I turned a something that really bothered me into something good this week. A few weeks ago, an adult called Grace a "mexican monkey," which really upset me. He didn't directly say it to her, but his daughter let me know that her dad thought that- which was enough for me to go over the edge. Grace is half hispanic, but not monkey resembling in any fashion. Anyway, this week, Grace and I made monkey bread, and I let my anger and borderline hatred burn in the oven. The kids devoured the whole ring of bread in one day!

4. I talked to Carl today, after a couple of days of silence... Just reassuring to know that he's okay.

5. After a birthday party at Pump It Up this past weekend, I think I found the venue for Grace's birthday party in November. The kids can have fun without making my house a complete mess! Word.

So this is the plan...

And I'm sticking to it!

To tackle the physical side of my discontent, I'm going to follow the Body for Life program as closely as humanly possible. While I did find the first chapter of the book kinda cheesy, and I think the website seems like one big fat infomercial, I think that may be because I've taken every class but one that Texas Tech University offers in the art of persuasion, so most of the tactics don't appeal to me (no clue where Riley gets his elitism...). Anyway, Body for Life is not a diet- in the usual terms. While most people say that "eating right and exercising" are the keys to being healthy and losing weight, no one really explains how to do that. Sure, it seems easy right? We all learned the food pyramid in grade school (btw, it's been updated), so we should know these things right? Well I pride myself in knowing some of what I should... but when it comes down to whether peanut butter is "eating right," really, I'm confused... It's a protein... yes? But what about the fat and oils? Could it be considered my lipid too?? SO Body for Life (herein referred to as BfL) teaches the reader HOW to eat right and exercise in an effective manner. It's meant to be a 12 week jump-start program, but you can stay on it forever, because it's just feeding your body the right way, and working out as necessary.

This is what really sold me on the program (besides Carl, who's been successful in the past with BfL): You have to make a tangible list of your goals, and behaviors to read every morning and every evening. It's like a little shoulder angel on the refrigerator for me!

Step 1: Make the decision to change.

And I make the decision to change.

Step 2: Identify individuals reasons for change, and write them down.

1. My kids deserve a mom with more energy, who enjoys them and life more.
2. My husband deserves a wife who is more active than just handing over the kids when he gets home.
3. I'm not satisfied with where I am, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, so thing HAVE to change.

Step 3: Focus on your future vision.

Focused. It includes being happier, healthier, more enjoyable to be around, having no debt a BS in Social Work, and most importantly, being spiritually sound.

Step 4: Dream of what you would like to achieve within 12 weeks, and transform that into five goals.

1. I would like to lose 30 pounds.
2. I would like to close my daycare by August 18th.
3. I would like to begin my spiritual journey no later than September 1.
4. I would like to volunteer in my children's classes once every two weeks, beginning when school starts August 19th.
5. I would like to put a specific amount of money every month towards debt. That amount is TBD with the husband.

Step 5: Identify 3 unautorized patterns of action that may hold you back from reaching these goals.

1. Cheating on my plan of diet and exercise.
2. Feeling guilty over not watching other's children when they need me.
3. Buying material objects for my children and myself that are unnecessary.

Step 6: Identify 3 new patterns of action that will help you reach your goals.

1. Stick to the plan!
2. Use the amount of money set aside every month towards debt, instead of finding new "necessities."
3. Let adults fend for themselves, and realize that I'm not the world's keeper!

And the final step (because all good things come in 7's) 7: Read what you've written first thing in the morning and again at night each and every day of the twelve week program.

OK... So that's what I have come up with! I am SUPER excited! I'll update with my plan of physical action once I formulate it. That will probably be tomorrow. Three posts in one day seems desperate, yes??

And it's not even noon yet...

So far today, I've bribed Grace into doing things she doesn't want to at least 5 times with the phrase, "If you don't, then you must not be old enough for preschool..." or some variation of it.

I've told Riley that jack should never be used as a verb, as in "I'm going to jack you up." OR "I'm going to jack your eyes." Video games much??

I've used the "oldie but goodie" phrase, "I'm not your maid, I'm your mother."

I've explained why Cinnamon toast can't be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I've pulled a barbie brush out of Asher's diaper.

I've had about seven cups of "Stirbricks" (invisible drinks from Grace) but not one REAL cup of coffee....

I've explained the difference between "family kisses" and regular kisses.

I've told a four year old that she's too young to consider marriage.

And I've told Riley to quit being an elitist. That part requires explanation.

Madilynn is a sweet girl. A sweet daycare girl, who has a big heart, and is very socially advanced for her age. However, she's just begun to learn her ABC's, makes several grammatical mistakes, probably on the level of a 2.5 year old, in that capacity. There's nothing mentally wrong with her, but we are all given gifts, and academics seem like they won't be her strong suit- but I could be wrong. Some children just take a lot longer to blossom than others.

Anyway,this is what transpired:
Maddy to Riley: I think you're cute. I want to kiss you, and I want to marry you.

Riley to Maddy: Me and my dad don't like stupid girls, so I will never marry or kiss you.

Me to Riley: It's "My dad and I," but that's an awful thing to say. Stop being an elitist. Maddy is a smart girl, but you're right about not kissing or thinking about marrying at this point.

Me to Maddy: Maddy the only boy you should give kisses is your dad (she has no brothers), and you're too young to consider marriage. That's what grown ups think about after college, and you have a long way to go until then.

Oh the joys....

Who AM I??

Disclaimer: This will be a serious post, that has nothing to do with my children. Brace yourself.

Over the past few weeks, I've been struggling. You wouldn't have known it, and I wouldn't have told you, even if you had asked... And some of you have. The root of my struggle, surprisingly is not Carl leaving for Iraq, (although that has prompted my inward examination), but the realization that I AM an adult. I should have known this.... I have three children, car payments, bills, buy my own groceries, make my own schedule, and carry all the burdens associated with the aforementioned facts. But as I swiftly approach 30, I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and thinking, "Who is this older, fatter, unattractive version of who I used to be??" Not only that, but I find myself fussing at the kids over actions beyond their control, and I think, "Who is this woman fussing at my kids? Who gave her the right?? They're just kids." It's becoming more and more evident in my daily life, that I don't like the adult that I find myself becoming. I am overwhelmed, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. So, Carl and I have discussed it, and I'm doing what I do best. I'm organizing, starting with the basics: my life.

A. My body: I will no longer feed my emotions, and carry excess baggage in the form of pounds. I don't believe I was given this body to treat it like a landfill. I'm ashamed that I've done so. Because Carl is gone, and I feel like I would be most successful with regular accountability, I will be using my blog as such. I think I will be much more successful if I have to record my journey for someone else to read. I promise, that I will be honest and transparent, otherwise this will fail. Readers, please keep me encouraged, and hold me accountable. I will be posting my goals soon.

B. My spirit: It's so easy to get down on myself. I know that all things are possible, but I want all things to be possible right now with as little effort as possible, and that isn't working for me or my family. I'm going to follow a set Christian path of self examination, although I haven't found it yet, and I'm completely open to suggestion if you have used one personally. I am guilty of becoming complacent and disgruntled, and I refuse to do that anymore.

C. My Emotional Well Being: This area is probably going to be the easiest for me- or at least it appears that way now. I have too many irons in the fire. Between the 60-75 hours a week I put into work, the 25-30 hours a week I put into school (obviously my hours overlap), my kids, my home, staying involved in my community (which has been regrettably poor), there is barely enough sleep or shower time left, let alone time for me. With Carl here, the burden was heavy but manageable. Now, I have come to the realization that I just cannot do everything I have committed myself to doing. While I feel like this is a huge failure on my part, after talking with Carl, I am going to forfeit my daycare license until he comes home, for sure, and maybe permanently. I have enough kids- I don't want to raise everyone else's kids too.

So that's my spiel. I hope that those of you reading this can be open and honest with me, and keep me encouraged, yet accountable, because I need it!

And as a little treat, for being so patient and making it through the text, this is going to be my "before" picture:



It's okay to laugh at the fatty pictured above. She won't exist for too long. I hope to be posting a great "After" picture in about six months.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

And if you try, sometimes you find you get what you need. Thank you Rolling Stones. I will now totally trivialize your song/poetry by applying it to my bedspread.
A few posts ago, I mentioned that I bought a new duvet cover from Overstock. This is what I was expecting, in honey:


When I pulled it out of the packaging, it was not exactly what I expected. In fact, it looks a little like someone threw up henna tattoos all over my queen size bed. However, the quality is better than I expected, so I will keep it. The end product, on my bed (yes, I have turquoise walls):


Still, a little disappointed, in a weird, hotel room sorta way...